observation

Thoughts and emotions in alignment with the core. I have realized that, while I am likely on track, I have areas where I can improve in order to expand. There is always room for improvement, its natural part of life. ebbs and flows. To me it appears in my thoughts as a need, almost longing, an intense desire for... something not yet within my reach. What if it I could shift that perspective, what if its already within my reach? What I've already attained my desire and the feeling is there because it's still before me? It would be a confirmation that I'm still on-track, a reminder to keep going, to follow my intuition because it's steering me in the right direction. Only a matter of time then. A soothing thought, it gives me a sense of calm-relief. 

I'm reminded about duality, as a nature of my life. Cycles of internalization, absorbing information and integrating it into my patterns of understanding, and cycles of wisdom, where I express this wisdom and exert my will upon my reality. I'm much better at the former than the latter, so with this in mind, how might I proceed.

It brings be back to the idea of authenticity, that natural state of flow where everything feels effortless. I have realized that when in-alignment, obstacles aren't as challenging. The work seems natural and it unfolds in an ideal way, so I might continue to search for ways to make this a daily practice. Practicing the exertion of my will in the real world, since the internal part comes naturally, I have formed habits already that seem to work. What if I could form new habits, ones that assist me in the things that make me uncomfortable? what would that look like, what would those habits feel like at first, once developed, would they still seem uncomfortable?

When I first started performing music, I Never thought I'd be the one on stage. It felt intensely awkward to be up there, the center of attention. I remember the nerves. a combination of adrenaline and anxiety. I remember the first time, before I was slotted to go up. It was strange. I knew I was committed to do it, so I had to follow through. I had to suspend my discomfort and do the hard thing. It turned out okay, performance-wise nothing to write home about. Important was the doing. I've done it before, I know it gets easier with time. It's not a big deal.

Once I had an opportunity and I wasted it for fear of the unknown. I built up a construct in my mind , dwelling on reasons not-to instead of just saying yes and flowing with it. It's not a big deal as there will always be opportunity. I jumped in knowing i'd otherwise be left wondering what if, possibly dwelling on this, holding me back. After sleeping on the idea I had a change of heart, its strange. I wasn't sure what to do, so I trusted my intuition. Was my gut telling me this for a reason. I used to have a tendency to overthink, to the detriment of taking action. Missed chances because I wanted to weigh all the options and make the 'best' decision. That approach often turned into no decision, or a decision too-late. I strive to learn from my past experience as not to make the same mistake over-and-over again. I might view this not as a 'waste' but as I made a decision and I trusted my gut. in the past, before knowing what i know now, I might have sat on my hands, thinking about this and then that until the moment passsed me by, and the opportunity with it. I should consider myself grateful, there will always be another opportunity.

TL:DR

• Focus on improving external action to balance strong internal alignment and authenticity.
• Reframe the feeling of longing as a sign of being on the right track, providing reassurance and motivation.
• Form habits that address areas of discomfort, knowing initial unease will fade with practice, just like past experiences with performing music.
• Embrace action over perfection—progress comes from doing, not overthinking.
• Trust intuition and seize opportunities to avoid the pitfalls of overthinking and missed chances.
• Recognize that every decision is a learning opportunity and that more opportunities will come with time.
• Strive to act decisively, practice regularly, and maintain gratitude for growth as a continual process.

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